Die a Christian?

I just had a breakdown in the shower. I don't know if I ever have before, but with everything that just went on, I suppose it's justified. Nearing my period and arguing with the sperm donor as usual. My mom wanted to talk to him as always, and as always, he just irks my nerves. But I guess I did say too much this time, but in a way, I'm very pleased I did. I almost had it calculated that way. Spill everything about my aunt to him, who's big ass mouth just spreads everything and will go back to her. I kind of hope she confronts me, because it'll be her trying to talk for once instead of avoiding everyone and running away from Tay trying to talk to her. But that's what brought on the breakdown.

The first thing I did when we got home was hop in shower, and only two or five minutes in I think things over and start crying. I started to, because I didn't want to be weak and shameful and I have to keep it together so grandpa can be proud. But then I realized how selfish that was. Grandpa valued family, but I'm already losing hope in, selfishly closing it off and devaluing it. He told me to be me, but I'm not really about those things either. I thought I'm just as disgusting if not worse. But then, I remembered he did tell me to be me. And I'm not sure what 'me' grandpa knew, but I am resourceful, well-meaning and clever when I need to be. And I fix things I make a mess of (most of the time). So if something happens, I decided I have to fix it. I went from choking, sobbing, suffocating and unable to properly wash to hocking up my spit and a determined face. Not only am I impressed with myself, but I'm proud. My resolve and thinking. My memory really. I need to be me all the way through, no matter who that is. There are so many details always changing, but I mostly know who I am inside.

But for a while there, I also thought, 'did grandpa ever think he would die a Jehovah's Witness?'. Even his memorial/ceremony was like that. And I thought, 'am I going to die a Christian?'. In the shower, I thought 'are ou punishing me or testing me God?'. When grandpa died, I thought God had betrayed me, but those are selfish thoughts too. I also realized how attached I am to God, but it's natural for me to be open, accepting and even adopting of other religious beliefs and science. I hate churches (the ones I know) and don't trust the Bible for squat. I don't know what God's truth is. I don't even know for sure if God is real, but I believe it through and through. I wonder and doubt, but I hope and feel he is.

I do and don't have any answers anymore. But maybe those things don't matter? I really needed to vent, and I ended up putting and thinking way more than I thought I would. But now I just have to contact and fill in my cousin and apologize. And continue on. I still have a while til the semester is actually over, after all.

I hope and prayer everything goes well. Now that I think about it... my first thought that brought on the tears really was, I lost two people with one. 'I'll never have my auntie or grandpa back.' But she's still alive, so I have to try.