Hi hi~!

Well not much has been going on, but that's good! I finally caught up in geo hw, but now I'm lagging on the quizzes, hehe. And I'm doing wonderfully in math so far. And actually, I think math will be my okay course and that geo will be my tough one. But I kind of prefer that. But this journal was really supposed to be about HCD. I'll only put a little now because of the time (the Japanese craft thing is in a few minutes!), but Ms. Mathis told us a lot about people sticking to things, laying out inspirational notes and got me to thinking about my dream(s). So what if they're far-fetched and unlikely? Whether it's being a manga-ka/game developer in japan, or here. Or doing novels or even lite novels. I'm gonna try and do whatever the hell I want. And I gotta start pushing myself to type up, organize and sort through my ideas, develop things and be successful. Not try. Be.

I'm gonna start by trying to actually finish, start and conclude my RPs as well as round up characters, ideas and start storying (haha wat). Between fanfics, original fics and maybe some poems, I just want to write. Pick up inspiration, grasp, separate it, be original, refreshing and new. I think I can do it. I feel and believe I can. I'll definitely start and try. I also need to finish that website so that I can post stories and art there. Which I also need to work on.

I also have to note being glad I am not a fantasy character of any sort, because I know from playing Rune Factory Frontier (and just now seriously realizing from ToT), that I would push myself and just overdue it. I'd be screwed, haha. I don't even know how anyone manages to get you or you get home from collapsing in certain places. At least you're exhausted as all hell in ToT. (That game don't play!)

Anyways, since I went ahead and updated, I'll go ahead and start my thoughts and rants in another (perhaos mini-)journal. I hope everyone had a great weekend and will have a lovely week.

Okay, terms times.

Okay. I don't know if it was the nap in the library, actually making it to math lab or wearing my boots or having the soy pudding or what. But I've sat and pondered and subtlely emoted and I've come to terms with myself and a few conclusions. No matter what, I am alone. Essentially. Grandma loves me dearly, but I honestly believe she can't love me more than her child or just quite as much. Close, but still not the same. I might never have a lover. And no one expresses their love for me in a constant and obvious way. Maybe that'll change, but maybe it never will. But I can be alone. Plenty of people are. I never udnerstood how some people could endure it, but I know now that I will.

I still need or at least want a therapist. It's prbably a great deal menstraul, but I always feel so unheard. I just want some to listen to me, offer me some guidance. Someone I can turn to and tell everything with no fears or regrets. I hope I can get one and see how it goes. Maybe I'll learn something new about myself.

And most importantly, the odds are against me, but I'm going to strive to the things I want. I'll be lazy and often no doubt. That's just me, and I'll try and change it how I can, but I still want to fight for the things I want. Whether I get to join Nintendo, Level-5 or some other company or I have to start my own. I just want to get as close as possible. And enjoy it. Immensely and all the way through. Wish me luck and pray for me. And I hope I stay on track.

...

I let an egg explode and the other two burn. While balancing homework and an overdue profile. Grandma had every right to be mad... But some of it felt so out of control. Like there was a culmination of anger that was centered and honed on me, and there was no escaping it no matter what occured. She said 'this isn't the first this has hapened', and it wasn't. But it's also not the first time she's exploded at me after a build-up and left others without harsh words. I don't think she realized as much. And seeing as it's pre-menstraul for me. I cried. A lot. And gagged. But it got me to thinking.

Am I ever going to amount to anything? There's no room for people like me in my interests. I'll never reach my goals. I probably won't get far. I'm not bright, particularly pretty and I'm fairly annoying. And I'm a black woman, but don't let me bring in the rest of the racial and gender based thoughts. I missed my old life My auntie, my grandpa. A lot. And I realized, I have no one who sincerely and whle-heartedly values me in this world. Grandma will always love her children more, because they're her's. No matter what I do and how they screw-up. And my own parents... feel less for me than grandma does. So who and what do I have? I have no one to confide to either. I decided I want to get a therapist. I need someone to listen, and I need guidance.

It's all probably just mentraul, and a lot happened... But I suddenly understand and feel so alone and lost. I'm going to go sleep on the couch now.

unf?

Well, all the NMH2 news was unf. And Beelzebub and One Piece's action is pretty intense. And I just started reading ARISA. UNF. In a different way. It's by Zodiac P.I.'s Ando-sensei. NO WONDER!! ARISA does not at all feel like a shoujo to me man. And hardly slice of life. It's almost light thriller. And this is early on! But it may end early for all I know.

Manga aside, it's been a nice week and weekend. I've slacked on my HW and math lab this week, but I don't intend to next week. Or to let my time slip by me anymore. I gotta take control of my will and schedule. Be a creator. Victim or critic just won't cut it for me. I've already started with getting a pre-paid to order my clothes, and thank goodness the order went through (I hope I get everything!). And grandma is so sweet to me, not only does she not want me to pay back my books, but she bought a shirt at Macy's. ...FOR $110! I love her. And apparently she loves me too.

Attended JCC today too. Playing ninja was too much fun. And next time, I will record it. Even if it's going to come out tiny. TTATT / >u<'
Also, planning for J-Town next month, so hopefully I can pick up more decor and organizing stuffs for mah room. And the manga I've been wanting... Maybe they'll have Summer Wars on DVD!? (/Goes to Kinokuniya site)


Tis all. I hope to have a great rest of the month. Yeah! And same for everyone else.
Man, I still gotta scan and draw...

Title forgotten but...!

There was a lot I was supposed to say last night! My first time treating myself (which is damn good), seeing all these cute PaPetch plans and dolls and more cute, getting sweates with pockets and seeing Alex at Raley's again looking cuter (and sexier!?) than ever all the while looking the same.

Yeah, we had an action-packed weekend, and things have simply been coasting by lately. I wasn't too on top of the assignments during break, and kind of lollying lately, but I feel like I can do it. I overcame how ovrewhelmed I was the other day to do so. Anyhow, today will hopefully be classes, taking mom and grandma out to lunch and being home the rest of the time to RP, do homework and just laze. And make my bed =A=. And I'm awfully sad about losing most of the things I ordered and hope I can get them or better next time around, and soon. They're so perfectly year-round.

Alas, I gotta finish getting ready and plot out what to do financially. And just get to class. I hope I stay awake today.

Well, fuck.

Fuck this shit. Fuck life, fuck people. I'm post-menstrating, I'm cranky, tired and had a long day. People just like to eff with you in these situations, but they don't like the backlash.

The day started well. I was earlier, got a good exercise and started sliding into enjoying my RP buddies more. Except one that I was really looking forward to I now dread. I didn't get the RP I want and I'm starting one w/them I might not want. But hey, if I'm miserable and you're twisting the situation to be selfish (and yet trying to 'amend'), I'll show you selfish and miserable. But the others I love, especially Jake/Penny.

HCD was great, and even made new aquaintances and got a firmer grasp on myself. After was horrible. My uncle pisses me the hell off. Men piss me the hell off. People piss me the hell off. The only men I'm ever going to love are going to be fictional men. I hate people venting, not caring about you at all and not listening, but wanting to be so selfish, like they're the only one affected. And then they want to shut you up or speak for you or some shit. I'm just sick of shit. I'm sick of racists, ignorant fools and just plain fuckery and foolery. That's gonna be my new fucking motto.

While in the car, I was convincing myself to be calm and happy, but I guess I'm intent on being angry. I tried to remember the nice, chill lady (a grandma!) from financial aid. Or how smooth classes went (except I bombed a quiz I knew answers to). Or that I try to take care of myself. It don't matter now. I'm sick of putting myself aside for people. I'm sick of Gaia. I'm just sick. I just need to vent, rant and nag.

I forget half of what I was thinking and wanted to put. Damn. I feel better and worse. I don't know. I'm just done until I remember and update. And these people had better leave me the fuck alone.

Yay, Education~!

It's nice to be back in school, especially because I enjoy my classes and schedule. I wish the gaps weren't so big, and others not so small, but I'm enjoying it all the same. I like my teachers for sure, and the atmosphere in all the classes seems pleasant so far. Although I gotta say, I've been oddly and randomly lethargic these first couple days, but I hope it'll wear off. Matter-of-fact, I was knocked ut early last night, somewhere between 7 and 10, and I woke up late by thirty minutes, but I was doin pretty good throughout the day~. I hope I can stay awake tomorrow, especially since I was falling asleep in geo last time (so sorry Mr. Crosier!).

In other news... We now return to Courage, the Cowardly Dog Show!! Just kidding ♥. (I wish I wasn't!) On the topic of 'dogs' though, I started reading Wolf Guy - Wolfen Crest. DAMN. Akira Inugami is hot stuff. Bad ass, noble, refined kind of goofy and hot as firey hell. I love his ears too. He's like a lean version of Guts in some ways. They would get along well. And his atittude ranks up there with Akagi and Kaiji in bad ass mode. Those four together... would be so FRICKIN EPIC!!!

But fangirling aside... I started Kongou Bancho too and got caught up on Yankee-kun to Megane-chan. Delinquents have been popular as mazing reminded me, but all of a sudden, they seem increasingly popular. I love it. No. I flove it. And seinen delinquents too, because Wolf Guy has plenty and Inugami would almost be borderline if he were full human. Almost. It'd be like Kongou style without all of the pure, straight-forward honor. (And I so love his line. I'm gonna spam it like mad.)

But I gotta be finishin that paper thingy... And here's to hoping I do it right. And I need to get to bed, though I want to read WG again. A new chapter especially. Maybe I can hunt down raws? And here's to hoping AWFTS puts me to sleep. I love Itou-san ♥.