...

I let an egg explode and the other two burn. While balancing homework and an overdue profile. Grandma had every right to be mad... But some of it felt so out of control. Like there was a culmination of anger that was centered and honed on me, and there was no escaping it no matter what occured. She said 'this isn't the first this has hapened', and it wasn't. But it's also not the first time she's exploded at me after a build-up and left others without harsh words. I don't think she realized as much. And seeing as it's pre-menstraul for me. I cried. A lot. And gagged. But it got me to thinking.

Am I ever going to amount to anything? There's no room for people like me in my interests. I'll never reach my goals. I probably won't get far. I'm not bright, particularly pretty and I'm fairly annoying. And I'm a black woman, but don't let me bring in the rest of the racial and gender based thoughts. I missed my old life My auntie, my grandpa. A lot. And I realized, I have no one who sincerely and whle-heartedly values me in this world. Grandma will always love her children more, because they're her's. No matter what I do and how they screw-up. And my own parents... feel less for me than grandma does. So who and what do I have? I have no one to confide to either. I decided I want to get a therapist. I need someone to listen, and I need guidance.

It's all probably just mentraul, and a lot happened... But I suddenly understand and feel so alone and lost. I'm going to go sleep on the couch now.